On To The Next Thrill Ride...

Let's just call it a GAP YEAR --that long and overdue gap year... to learn, to search, discover and see. And what a year it was. It had quite its share of blissful highs and heart-wrenching lows. I don't think I've ever cried so much in a year since I left childhood. But on the contrary, I don't think I've ever felt so much elation and excitement on many different experiences. It's like being on a roller coaster ride that's coming to its end, only for this thrill seeker to queue up for the next one.

It was a year of many milestones. It was a downpour of those "firsts" that change a person forever. Adventure, heartache, danger, learning, frustration, friendship, family, happiness, sadness, faith, hope, love --it was a year for all these things and so much more. It was a year for LIFE. A year to finally see and appreciate what it is to be ALIVE, with all its ups and downs. It was a year to see myself as a living and breathing being. For everything after this year will have changed who I am as a person.

How UNCERTAIN it all was (and still is)... But that was probably the BEST (and at times, the worst) part of it all. Discovering that LIFE itself is undeniably uncertain and will continue to be so. And that I have survived the year through faith and hope. And that in order to LIVE, sometimes we just have to be spontaneous, jump on the wagon and take risks. As they say, "you either win some, or learn some. You never really lose at all."

And so, I cling to my seat as this ride takes its last big dive. I scream at the top of my lungs and hold on to dear life. Whoever said I wasn't scared must be dumb out of their minds. But it's not about 'not being scared.' After all, it's only brave when you're scared, because you know you have something to lose. And It's really about FAITH and HOPE after all --that there's Someone out there, watching over. And that despite the devastating lows and the overwhelming highs, there is comfort and CERTAINTY in Him. And life, as uncertain as it is and from all the things I've experienced this year, is BEAUTIFUL. It's one great, big adventure that I am happy to be living.

I have claimed this year and I will claim the next. A gap year, like this one, that has given me such huge life-changing lessons can never be forgotten. Whatever happens from this point on, everything... eventually, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT. And so, as the ride comes to a stop... let's take a short breather and hop on the next one!

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Have a HAPPY and blessed NEW YEAR everyone! I thank God for each and every one of you who have made this year truly a life-changing one...

- I cannot be grateful enough for meeting wonderful and TRUE FRIENDS in every place I have stayed in and left. For those old ones who have stood by me and showed me their unending love and support, despite the distance... and to those new ones who have showed me that in such a big world, it can still feel so comfortably small after all. You make life spontaneous and carefree and never fail to bring me laughter and joy. I love you. You guys keep me YOUNG.

-And what a blessing it is to have a FAMILY that sticks by you no matter how huge the distance. A Family that gives you unconditional and unending LOVE. You are the only ones on this earth who truly understand and accept without question and fail. I cannot be thankful enough to know that, whatever happens, you will be there waiting for me to come home with arms outstretched in a welcome. I thank and love you with all my heart.

- And of course, "YOU"... "YOU" are a blessing to me every day that we are together, even when we're physically apart... for making me smile and cry and smile again. =) "You" are probably the biggest life-changing adventure that this year has brought to me. And I am hopeful, optimistic and cannot wait for us to get to where we want to be... we are after the same rainbow's end. =) I love you

Thank God for the gift of people who make life worthwhile. I hope I could spend more time with all of you in this next year and even after that. Life has become beautiful with all of you in it.

....

It's starting to hit too close to home now. I don't know how they ever did it, but I knew I grew up undoubtedly LOVED. But that doesn't mean there weren't wounds spared from healing. And I don't know how they did it, but it hurts now more than ever.

I've never spent so much time in my life crying. I think I've spent more time crying myself to sleep and waking up sobbing this past year than I ever have as an infant. This is perhaps what I get for having life so relatively "perfect" back home. I guess no one really gets a free pass at suffering and from learning the real lessons in life. I've proven my point that I've survived, and perhaps, it's high time for a homecoming.

Maybe they were all right after all. Maybe this really was just the "first." And that I really am naive for ever thinking that I was smart enough and knew enough that this could ever work. They all said it. And we've had struggles right from the start. Maybe we should've just given up when life has been shoving it down our throats that it's not meant to be... maybe it's not meant to be. Perhaps we've been pushing our luck... I've been pushing my luck.

And to be honest, I don't even know how I'll get over this. I don't even know what I'll do for the rest of my life. I don't have any more back-up plans because I thought we've envisioned it already. But maybe I should know when to give up when I should. Someone did once say that the hardest thing to learn in life is knowing which bridge to cross and which to burn. It hurts so much to have to admit it, but maybe everything... every little thing has already sparked the flame for us. And now, all that's left to do is run to the opposite ends of that bridge to survive.

It's starting to hit too close to home. I know I grew up loved, but that doesn't mean there were wounds spared from healing. And if history has to repeat itself, then I'd rather it not. And it hurts because I.. you... and it hurts because I don't know how to move forward anymore... But maybe this is just it. I was naive. I am naive for ever believing that certain things can conquer everything else. Maybe "IT" really isn't enough after all.

Here and Now

It's easy to get lost in time --on reminiscing what has been and daydreaming on what can be. It's an escape. An express ticket to leave the difficulties of the present. To a lot of us, "time travel" is perhaps the very thing that helps us go on. Through this, we get by on the struggles we face one day at a time. And yet, there's that inherent danger to it -the part where we actually forget to live in the present. And of course, the facts remain --the past cannot be repeated, while the future is uncertain.

This is why in the medical field, a huge emphasis is placed in concentrating on the "Here and Now." Sure, a clear patient history allows us to understand the patient's condition and know how to attack it. And a prognosis becomes the ultimate goal to how we are going to develop a care plan -a cure. But these, just like in LIFE, are both useless if we disregard the things that must be done at present --right here and right now. We get lost too much in our thoughts --in our reminiscing and daydreaming --and we might just lose the opportunity to do what we can to make them achieve actuality. Too much assessing and planning without enough intervening, and in a matter of seconds, our patient might just drop dead right in front of us.

And so, we still think about the past, cherish the beautiful memories and learn from the events that have changed us. And we still look towards the future, as this is the only way we are motivated to move at all. But we learn to take things one day at a time. We do what we can right here and right now to LIVE. And although it's not always the easy thing --to live in the present, we realize that life isn't always about staying enclosed in our comfort zone. And so, we go out and get going. Close your eyes for too long, and you might just miss out. Get lost in time and you might just be wasting another second to breathe. We live life right here and right now, and maybe then, we won't need to close our eyes too much as we go on.

P.S. Three months tomorrow...

Of Carefree Days

Of Home

I say, "There's no place like HOME."
You say, "There's no place like one near you."
I reply, "Wherever you are... or will be... is HOME."

Now who would've thought...

In The Gray

You asked me if I was happy and I told that it's not even a question for me anymore. But then, you said that it still matters, that it should matter. And you added those words that pierced me even more, "You can always come home." And it hurt me. It hurt me because I knew you said it out of love. How I wish it were as simple as black and white... happy and sad. But it isn't. Not anymore.

I am in a gray area. And even if I wish I could've given you a simple answer, I just couldn't. How could I ever tell you that part of me is a total wreck --an empty void that is in miserable longing? And yet, another part of me is finally... finally getting its fill, and is perhaps becoming a whole. No one could have ever warned me about this. Even if I did sense it was coming, I could have never imagined the magnitude of how this actually felt, until now.

And despite everything, if it were just up to you, you'd rather have me come home and stay by your side. But we all know I'm too proud and much too stubborn. And even if it's a very thin rope that's keeping me in place right now, I'm holding on. But it's tempting. At certain intervals of the day to day, I wonder. I wonder what it's like if I finally just give up and run back to you. I know you'd gladly welcome me back with open arms. But I can't. You see, you never really raised me that way. Perhaps... just maybe, your little girl is finally growing up after all. And that finally, I've realized how you've made it all too easy for me in your arms that I just need to experience it a little tougher right now. And this is just so I'll learn.

I wish I can just run back and stay within your comfort. But it's too late now. I can't. I won't... at least, not yet. But it's tempting --the longing for your kind voice, understanding, warm hugs and comforting presence...  you who is quick to forgive, who understands and who is easy to love. I miss you so much. But I'm patient, and I am strong because you made me that way. And I am holding on even if it's hard. 

I wish it was as easy as black and white, but it isn't... not anymore. And maybe some day when I will finally come home to you and your loving arms, things won't be so gray anymore. Maybe then I can give you a simpler answer. The gray is a tough place, but for now I'll just have to endure. This is, after all, one of the many things you've shown me. At least I can't give up without trying. 

Now Aren't We A Bunch of Masochists?

It's supposed to get easier every day. As they say, one can get used to it little by little. But still, it's confusing how much ambivalence can spring up with this whole situation. If we were truly honest about this whole thing... I don't think there really should be any way of getting used to it. At least, I don't think so. Sure. At certain times it does seem that way -that I've gotten used to it... But then it all comes back. And it hits me every time that the longing just continues to escalate and it really can't become easier. It just seems to get more and more difficult as each day passes. 

It's only been a little over a month. Or maybe I should say that it's already been a little over a month. And yet, everything still seems so fresh... so new... so limited... so unfinished. And I remember that feeling of being hoisted up in the air. And the feelings of conflicting uncertainty and security... of warmth... of happiness... of unselfish worry. It scares me a little to even think of forgetting. And that's just at the peak of the iceberg when fears enter the picture too. But everything... every little thing comes rushing back every time. And it still feels the same. It's been a month, and yet it still feels the same. I still get goosebumps and there's still that empty void that yearns to be filled.

It's supposed to get easier. After all, each day that passes from the last time becomes another day closer to the next. But to be honest, it doesn't... not at all. And I don't think it'll ever get easy. But maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. If it does get easier, then maybe that's not such a good thing. If things become lighter, then maybe all the fears are coming true. Because in my opinion, it'll truly only be easier once we're no longer limited... and things no longer seem unfinished. And all these difficulties aren't such a bad thing because they tell us that things are REAL. And when the day comes, every thing will be much better. 

And so, it's not easy and it doesn't lighten by the minute. But I'm holding on... we're holding on... with the hope that we can remain tough. After all, walls have been torn down and it's the point of no return. We either have to fight for it, or regret the cowardice of not trying at all. And I guess we're really just a couple of fighters and masochists to be stupid enough for this. And one day, once we have surpassed, once everything has been said and done... maybe... just maybe... these voids will no longer be empty, or our time limited, or our business unfinished. As things become more difficult, that's all we can hold on to really. And we have to believe that hope will get us through, because we want to get through. We have to get through.