Sorry For Now

It's only been a few days since I last said to myself that I will no longer be apologetic for every little thing. And yet, here I am again. And all I can find myself saying lately is, "I'm sorry." Despite my loss of control for the circumstances, the complications, and my inability to comprehend everything... I find myself 'sorry.' I sincerely am.

Once again, I've proven myself right from the very start. I knew I couldn't afford it. I knew from the beginning that things might get a bit out of hand and complications would arise. I guess it's just the sort of thing that one eventually gets used to if it tends to follow you around. Call it a curse, karma or just plain old badluck... I can't help it if by some weird play of fate, complications tend to stick right by me like a shadow.

I promised myself right from the beginning to not get into it. I knew I couldn't afford it. It just isn't the right time, nor is it the right situation. I never asked for it to come. At the start, I stuck through with logic and I kept my head on my shoulders. I was unattached and I was guarded. But to my dismay, it thrives on these kinds of scenarios. It beats you at your own game when you least expect it... when you think and tell yourself you don't want it... when you can't afford it... when you don't ask for it to come. It sneaks up on you like an uninvited guest. And despite the mess it leaves behind like the crumbs on the couch, the unwashed dishes, and the tiny pile of clothes on the floor, it grows on you. It makes its way around until it eventually becomes part of the household. And time comes that you just won't seem to mind at all and might even miss it once it's gone. 

And how could I have fought it? It was unplanned, and it was inevitable. One thing led to another and before I could stop myself, I was at a point of no return. And now all that can come to mind is how comfortable it seemed. And how everything seemed to fit perfectly... But now, reality sinks in. 'Perfect' was probably only true if I were in an alternate universe where I could have it all. But I obviously can't... we obviously can't. 

So I carry on the billions of questions that I have and the whole uncertainty of my position. Despite my move to step out of my boundaries and to live life less apologetically, it's a shame that something always has to pull me back. 

I really can't help but be apologetic for everything happening at the moment. And I keep saying 'sorry' even if I don't know why I even feel like apologizing. After all, it's not like I have much control over things nor do I actually want them to turn out this way. I guess now I finally realize why they say it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. And my head is a mess, and all I could say at this time is 'sorry' over and over again because I don't know what else could make things less worse. 

And as for now, as I say my final 'sorry,' all I can do is cling to images of empty benches, rainy days, and warmth on my hands. Then I realize that along with my apologies, all can't be lost. Maybe this is just part of what can make it better in the future. I must be patient and I must persevere. I still have much to prove. Maybe I won't have to apologize as much when tomorrow comes. Maybe I won't even have to apologize at all. And for all I know, I'm certainly not 'sorry' for everything that has transpired. 

If this is a challenge, then let it come. And as a certain someone has said before that he rises up to the challenge, then maybe this is it... the challenge. I know it's unfair to ask anyone to wait, and I don't want to do that. I don't even want to accept promises anymore. Although to be honest, I still hope a little. But I guess we'll just have to hold on and see... That is why I guess I'm saying SORRY FOR NOW. I'm apologizing for the present and for being jinxed. But maybe tomorrow won't be so bad. All I... we... can do is hope a little.