In The Gray

You asked me if I was happy and I told that it's not even a question for me anymore. But then, you said that it still matters, that it should matter. And you added those words that pierced me even more, "You can always come home." And it hurt me. It hurt me because I knew you said it out of love. How I wish it were as simple as black and white... happy and sad. But it isn't. Not anymore.

I am in a gray area. And even if I wish I could've given you a simple answer, I just couldn't. How could I ever tell you that part of me is a total wreck --an empty void that is in miserable longing? And yet, another part of me is finally... finally getting its fill, and is perhaps becoming a whole. No one could have ever warned me about this. Even if I did sense it was coming, I could have never imagined the magnitude of how this actually felt, until now.

And despite everything, if it were just up to you, you'd rather have me come home and stay by your side. But we all know I'm too proud and much too stubborn. And even if it's a very thin rope that's keeping me in place right now, I'm holding on. But it's tempting. At certain intervals of the day to day, I wonder. I wonder what it's like if I finally just give up and run back to you. I know you'd gladly welcome me back with open arms. But I can't. You see, you never really raised me that way. Perhaps... just maybe, your little girl is finally growing up after all. And that finally, I've realized how you've made it all too easy for me in your arms that I just need to experience it a little tougher right now. And this is just so I'll learn.

I wish I can just run back and stay within your comfort. But it's too late now. I can't. I won't... at least, not yet. But it's tempting --the longing for your kind voice, understanding, warm hugs and comforting presence...  you who is quick to forgive, who understands and who is easy to love. I miss you so much. But I'm patient, and I am strong because you made me that way. And I am holding on even if it's hard. 

I wish it was as easy as black and white, but it isn't... not anymore. And maybe some day when I will finally come home to you and your loving arms, things won't be so gray anymore. Maybe then I can give you a simpler answer. The gray is a tough place, but for now I'll just have to endure. This is, after all, one of the many things you've shown me. At least I can't give up without trying.